'Twas raining Feline-Americans and Canine-Americans. 'Twas a night out in which no human personage of either gender nor non-human Americans should be. ('Twas also a night in a time when way too many human personages of either gender said "'Twas" and other intellectually-challenged [and yet idiomatically appropriate to the community standards of the time, and, of course, not to imply that there's anything wrong or demeaning or disrespectful in the term "intellectually- challenged"] things like that.) 'Twas a night when Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton and his Significant Other in Marriage (but who had her own interests in life and pursued them vigorously and with no regard to his male chauvinistic feelings of entitlement to dominance of females), the calorically-challenged and aesthetically-challenged Female Semi-Royal Personage-In-His/Her-Own-Right Gwendoline Bulwer-Lytton (formerly Female Semi-Royal Personage-In-His/Her-Own-Right Gwendoline Bulwer) sat in the spacious, overly ostentatious dining hall of the castle which had been in Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton's family for more than 20 generations (not in an ownership sense, but in the sense of all of the Lyttons, now the Bulwer- Lyttons, being stewards of the property for future generations, not only of the Bulwers and/or Lyttons, now the Bulwer-Lyttons, but of all humankind), where they had just finished their overly elaborate (but all-vegetarian) evening meal and were discussing Female Semi-Royal Personage Gwendoline Bulwer-Lytton's latest unsuccessful quest to find The Dragon, the latest (and, although she had no premonitions of the fate that was to befall her, the last) in well over a hundred such attempts over the previous two decades.
"It's all the fault of those Deity-Which-May-Or-May-Not-Exist cursed Americans!" sputtered Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer- Lytton non sequituriously. "I do believe that any day now they'll have a revolution over there and we'll lose yet another colony which we have been exploiting and pillaging for our own selfish and greedy conspicuous consumption for decades." "Oh, darling," sighed Female Semi-Royal Personage Gwendoline, "who cares what those savages do? Let me tell you what I discovered after I met the morally-challenged Wizard of NIMBY and the morally-enhanced Knight of WYSIWYG (pronounced "WYSIWYG")." "Well, my dear Female Semi-Royal Personage Gwendoline Bulwer-Lytton, do get on with it," said Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton, "as I've got to perform a significant bodily excretory function very soon. All those veggies give me a severe case of accelerated peristalsis. Tomorrow I'm going to insist (in an appropriately respectful way, of course) that that Deity-Which-May-Or-May-Not- Exist cursed culinary artist in the scullery prepare a great huge slab of arteriosclerosis- inducing beef, so I don't have to keep dashing off to the bodily excretory function room minutes after dinner every Deity-Which-May-Or-May- Not-Exist cursed night." "But, dear Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford," whined Female Semi-Royal Personage Gwendoline Bulwer-Lytton, "I positively MUST tell you what happened when the WYSINWIGs (pronounced "WYSINWYGs") attacked the WYSIWYGs on the Plains of Somerset! Can't you hold it for just a bit longer?"
"Not another Deity-Which-May-Or-May-Not-Exist cursed Slang-Copulatory-Expression-in'
minute," cried Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton (this
'twas also in a time when folks "sputtered" and cried" and "sighed" and
"whined" and "moaned," not just "said" stuff), and dashed off to the bodily
excretory function room, leaving Female Semi-Royal Personage Gwendoline
Bulwer-Lytton alone in the spacious and overly ostentatious dining hall
of the castle which had been in Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton's
family for more than 20 generations (not in an ownership sense, but in
the sense of all of the Lyttons, now the Bulwer- Lyttons, being stewards
of the property for future generations, not only of the Bulwers and/or
Lyttons, now the Bulwer-Lyttons, but of all humankind), where he/she promptly,
in that spacious and overly ostentatious dining hall of the castle
which had been in their family for more than 20 generations (not in an
ownership sense, but in the sense of all of the Bulwer-Lyttons being stewards
of the property for future generations, not only of Bulwer-Lyttons, but
of all humankind) suddenly was flatulent, loudly and resoundingly so, whereupon
she moaned, "Oh, bodily excretory function product!" and collapsed on the
floor of the spacious, overly ostentatious dining hall of the castle which
had been in Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton's family
for more than 20 generations (not in an ownership sense, but in the sense
of all of the Lyttons, now the Bulwer- Lyttons, being stewards of the property
for future generations, not only of the Bulwers and/or Lyttons, now
the Bulwer-Lyttons, but of all humankind).
Upon
his return from the bodily excretory function room two hours later, Male
Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton found the totally vital-signs-challenged
(but still calorically-challenged and aesthetically-challenged) body of
his Significant Other in Marriage (but who had had her own interests in
life and had pursued them vigorously and with no regard to his male chauvinistic
feelings of entitlement to dominance of females), the calorically-challenged
and aesthetically-challenged Female Semi-Royal Personage-In-His/Her-Own-Right
Gwendoline Bulwer-Lytton (formerly Female Semi-Royal Personage-In-His/Her-Own-Right
Gwendoline Bulwer).
'Twas at that moment that a male domestic employee (held in appropriately high respect by his employer, Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton,
and
never to be referred to as a "servant") ran into the the spacious, overly
ostentatious dining hall and shouted, "M'Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford
Bulwer-Lytton, the peasants are revolting!" And 'twas then that Male
Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton, still emotionally reeling
from his discovery of the totally vital-signs-challenged (but still calorically-challenged
and aesthetically-challenged) body of his Significant Other in Marriage
(but who had had her own interests in life and had pursued them vigorously
and with no regard to his male chauvinistic feelings of entitlement to
dominance of females), the calorically-challenged and aesthetically-challenged
Female Semi-Royal Personage-In-His/Her-Own-Right Gwendoline Bulwer-Lytton
(formerly Female Semi-Royal Personage-In-His/Her-Own-Right Gwendoline Bulwer),
simply sniffed, "Yes, they are, aren't they? And they're odiferiously-
challenged, too."
And the male domestic employee (held in appropriately high respect by his employer, Male Semi-Royal Personage Beresford Bulwer-Lytton, and never to be referred to as a "servant") sniffed and said, "And something's odiferously-challenged in here, too."
